i woke up to what i thought was a braxton hicks contraction friday morning (april 15th) at 4:30 am. another one came a few minutes later, so i thought i might look at the clock in case a third one came. it did, ten minutes later, and then a fourth about ten minutes after that. so i got up to go downstairs and eat some breakfast to see if they would stop, as i had read that false labor contractions would stop during activity. they didn't stop, and when i went to use the restroom, i noticed i was having some spotting. i. was. PSYCHED!! through a couple of tears, i washed my hands and went upstairs to tell jason. he laughed a nervous little laugh, and said "ok", those two little letters holding so much excitement and anticipation. after we showered, we decided to go drive to einstein's bagels to get some breakfast for the journey ahead. on our way there i called mom to let her know i was in early labor. her reaction: "oh, shit!" hahaha she was at work and said to keep her posted. i was expecting more contractions in the car, since i was just sitting inactive, but i actually didn't have a single one on the way there or the way back (i think one or two while we waited for our order, though). in the car, jason drove over EVERY BUMP he could find! trying to speed things along. such a dork.
when we got back to the house, we ate our breakfast, then watched a movie. then i decided to eat my second bagel.
when the movie was over, we set up the birth tub in samson's nursery. souji kept close by, understanding something important was happening. i changed into my "labor outfit", and walked around the house, concentrating during contractions, leaning over the counter when i needed to. after awhile, the contractions got a little stronger, so i found a new position--sitting on the ball. after a little while longer, this was no longer pleasant either, so i finally got into the tub. WHAT A RELIEF! i couldn't believe how much easier this made things. by this time my mom had arrived, and we had been in close contact with betsy (our midwife) since about ten am. all the while i had still been expecting a short labor, like my mom and grandma had for all 5 of their kids, so j and i were a little nervous about making sure betsy would arrive in time. she said she would come when the contractions were 5 minutes apart. we kept trying to time them, but even as they grew stronger, they never seemed to stay very steady, fluctuating from around 5 to 3 minutes apart. even though they continued to get stronger, the contractions still felt very manageable to me. i was using the hypnobirthing cd at this point and it was really helping me stay calm and relaxed. i asked mom if this could really be it, and she assured me that, yes, it could really be that easy...
after a bit in the tub, i decided to get out for something to eat. i went downstairs and had some cereal, laboring in the kitchen for a bit, leaning over the counter during contractions. as hungry as i was, i found it difficult to eat and couldn't get much of it down. (later on i was reeeeaaalllllly wishing i had eaten TWELVE bowls of cereal!...and a steak!)
i got back in the tub, and betsy arrived soon after. she asked if i wanted to be checked. i said i was curious, but would wait. after a bit, i got out and she checked me--i was 4cms and 80% effaced. i was surprised and kind of frightened by this. i thought for sure i was already at 8 cms. but it turned out i had more than half way to go still. this was a turning point for me. this realization, coupled with the fact that i was starting to have back labor really sent things into a different direction.
i want to pause here and say that jason had been with me, holding my hand and helping me through every contraction this entire time. he was already doing a stellar job, neither of us realizing what was to come.
the back labor...oh the back labor. for the next twelve hours i experienced a pain couldn't even believe existed! it kept getting worse and WORSE and
WORSE! there was nothing i could do to stop it. no amount of meditation, relaxation, massage, or tub laboring could make it anywhere near manageable. i took to making low groaning noises, not to ease the pain, but to focus my energy into something that was not a scream. i had to pee very often and laboring on the toilet was HORRIBLE. at one point, i was in the tub, and i said to jason, "i want to go pee in the shower" (so i wouldn't have to sit). "what?" "I WANT TO GO PEE IN THE SHOWER!" so he helped me to the shower where i was able to crouch and get as comfortable as possible while relieving myself for the ten thousandth time. the back labor was getting so tiring; i actually came very close to falling asleep in the 60 seconds between contractions. i had heard it was common, but if you know me, you know i don't nap. at one point, jason brought up some yogurt i had requested, and although it was a flavor i am not normally fond of, i prayed for a shovel, a conveyor belt, some kind of contraption to get that sweet delicious goodness into my mouth! again, though, it was hard to eat it, and i didn't get as much as i would have liked to.
after a bit of being in the tub, i couldn't take it anymore and decided i needed to get up and move around. we went into the room, and i had one contraction on the bed and said "i don't want to be here!" so they helped me back to the tub. each time i got back into the tub, the magical properties of the water somehow renewed themselves. it didn't last long, but the first contraction in the water was always a huge relief. after a while in the tub, betsy worried that labor was being slowed, and recommended i get out again and go back in the room. i did, but did not get back in the bed. laying down somehow intensified the back pain. so i crouched over the bed with some pillows to prop me up so i could be face down and not squish my belly. this was the last location we took to, as from here it got so intense i couldn't dream of walking ANYWHERE, tub be damned. with each contraction, i groaned and squatted down, more out of a weakness and desperation bringing to my knees than at an attempt to ease any pain (as i knew better by that point). jason sat on the bed and held my hands tight so i could hang from him, as my legs grew extremely tired from the continuous squatting. he was being so amazing, i just couldn't believe it. he kept encouraging me and soothing me, and saying he wished there was more he could do. but his presence alone was so helpful, i don't know how i could have gotten through it without him.
by around midnight i was having some serious doubts--was this baby ever really going to come out of me? was there any other way to get it out? is it too late to go to the hospital? will i survive this?? could i ever do this again??? it took everything i had not to ask those questions out loud.
when betsy decided to check me again, it took me a couple contractions to muster up the courage to let her do the painful procedure. when she did, she said i was fully effaced and about 9 cms now. i couldn't stand it any longer, and asked her a question i really didn't want to ask: could we PLEASE break the bag of waters? i knew it could make things more painful, but i just wanted the ordeal to be OVER. she said yes, and i laid on the bed as she did it. the next couple of contractions were indeed more painful, but once you get past ten on a scale of 1-10, who cares anymore? she told me i could start pushing, and that was simultaneously exactly what i wanted to hear and extremely frightening news. i did not have an urge to push at all, and was worried that pushing without that urge would cause a tare, not to mention make it even more painful. but i couldn't stand it anymore; i remember thinking i just wanted this thing out of me and i didn't care how it happened or what happened to IT afterward--JUST GET IT OUT!
the pushing was intense. with each contraction i gave three pushes, the first 2 were voluntary, and the third felt like my body saying, "you're doing it wrong! it goes like THIS!", and such an intense, involuntary SQUEEZE of my abdomen happened then that it was like god himself reaching down and squeezing me like a tube of toothpaste, helping me get this baby out. i pushed for what must have been an hour, each time thinking, he's crowning now, RIGHT?? and each time being wrong. at one point, betsy said he was almost crowning, and i think that's when i decided, NOW. HE'S COMING OUT NOW. so with the next push i gave it every ounce of energy that has every flown through my body and out came his head. it was mentally a huge relief to know he was almost out and we were almost done, but physically, i felt i had nothing left. when betsy said several times to wait, don't push anymore for a second, hold on, just wait! i kept thinking, hold on a SECOND?? lady, i could rest here for an hour! but then, she gave the go ahead to push again when then next contraction came, and somehow, from somewhere, i was able to gain the strength and energy to give it one last push and GET THIS THING OUT OF ME!!!
and then it happened. i felt him slip out of me and the emotion i felt was indescribable. it was like a light switch, the change in my feelings toward him happened so fast. all of a sudden, with this push, HE WAS HERE. MY BABY. MY REAL BABY. i felt suddenly like i could fight off a thousand bears and ninjas and dinosaurs all at once just to hold him. i didn't even look at him. i reached out for him and betsy put him in my arms, and i hugged him so close, chanting over and over again, "i love you so, i love you so, i love you so" and rocking him back and forth. in an INSTANT, it all became worth it. so very worth it.
i held him for awhile and attempted to nurse him. when i finally thought to look at him, i saw he looked just like jason, and i was SO HAPPY. then, she handed to him to j so i could birth the placenta. i looked over at j, sitting on the bed holding him, and the amazement on his face was so vibrant. after the placenta came out, i was bleeding a little more than betsy said she would like to see, so i laid on the bed for her to check me out. it turned out that samson's head was angled a little strangely, and that's what was holding him up in there. i ended up needing so many stitches i lost count. i had torn in three different places, one of which was hard for her to reach, and another was in a strange spot and was a strange shape and equally hard for her to stitch. j sat at my head holding samson and holding my hand as she stitched me. the stitches were painful, but at that point i was just so glad to be done. she kept needing another stitch and another stitch, and i kept praying for each one to be the last one. it didn't matter, though. because the hard part was over.
i decided to get up and shower off when she was done. i was so hungry and so tired that just standing in the shower was quite a task. j took samson downstairs to show him to everyone, and by the time he got back up, i needed he and betsy to help dry me off and get me back into bed. j says i was so pale when he got back in the room that it really shocked and scared him.
once i was in bed, i felt a lot better. j and i laid there looking at samson, as we shared a sandwich that i couldn't even taste. i think all of my senses were occupied at that point. i wanted to see him and touch him and smell him; who cares what a sandwich tastes like?
throughout the labor, betsy monitored samson's heart rate closely, and each time she did, j and i were both amazed and RELIEVED to hear it beating strong every time. i still can't believe he was so unfazed by what i was putting him through. when he came out, he was breathing great, right from the start. when she weighed him later i was so happy i had fattened him up to more than 6 pounds. that was my goal for him, and i had reached it.
in the back of my mind that night as i tried to sleep, i couldn't help but worry about how i could ever possibly go through that again. i want two more kids! by the next day, though, i was already in a place where i believed it would be possible again some day. funny how the hormones mess with your mind.
at the end of the day, i'm very glad i gave birth at home. little by little, with each day that has passed, i have begun to see that i was triumphant. it wasn't the triumph i had planned, but it counted just the same, maybe even more. the way i see it, i didn't have any choice in the matter. i had to birth that baby, and i had to do it that way in that place. there was no turning back at that point. i'm not a superwoman, i'm just a woman who did what had to be done for lack of any other options. but I DID IT, and i'm proud of that.
